Don't Let A Girl Buy The Body Wash

Last night my girlfriend ended up staying with me in my dorm room because the weather was so bad. I, of course, did not have the following items available:

1) Soap- I ran out a few days ago.
2) Toothpaste- I ran out yesterday.
3) A hairbrush- I haven't owned one in years.

I'm sure that there were more things she would have liked to look "decent," but there were these three key things that needed to be replaced. Even I could admit that.

I'm telling you about this because if you're a man and you live alone and you need to buy body cleaning products, it's imperative that you do it alone. There is no such thing as gender neutral body wash. Bar soap, perhaps, but anyone who's ever lived in a dorm can agree that bar soap is just a terrible idea.

Here's what I have on my hands now:

NEW
Dove
Cream Oil
Body Wash
Ultra Rich
natural oil in
1/4 moisturizing cream
rosewood &
cocoa butter scent

And I'm only on the front of the bottle...

Here's a body wash that moisturizes your skin better than any regular body wash. Dove has embedded skin-loving natural oil in a rich cream- the result is the dreamy-creamy consistency of a cream with the silky-smooth skin feel from an oil.

Intensely moisturizing, but sensationally lathering. Indulging to senses, but nourishing to skin. Rich in oil, but not oily.

What a beautiful contradiction.

I mean, for the love of God. I wish I could find a picture of the bottle because it actually resembles a vagina.

My favorite part of this product: the dreamy-creamy consistency of a cream.

- - - -

Now, Rachael was humoring me a little bit with the first purchase, suggesting that it "smelled" gender neutral (it doesn't) and I just kind of ignored the pink, vaginal bottle.

But let's move on to item number 2:

Aveeno
Baby
PEDIATRICIAN
RECOMMENDED

LAVENDAR & VANILLA
Calming Comfort
Lotion
with Natural Collodial Oatmeal
Dimethicone Skin Protectant
Helps Heal & Protect
Delicate Skin
Moisturizes for 24 Hours
Helps Calm Babies
before Bedtime

I'm not even going to get into what's on the back of this guy.

(NB: I hear that if you shoot Dimethicone , it actually is really relaxing.)

Rachael has, then, effectively moved from women's products to baby products.

I can only find solace in the sleek, masculine form of my INTENSE CREST WHITENING TOOTHPASTE.

We forgot to get the toothbrush, thank God. Just the body wash alone made me want to pull a Buffalo Bill (Silence Of The Lambs) and tuck it in in the shower, and a sparkly hair brush might have sealed the deal.

Did I mention that I carry all of this (along with a bottle of face wash and one of those poofy things) in a purple shower-tote, wrapped in my once white towel that is now a soothing pastel pink because I washed it with a red blanket?

Why does this come to mind:

"I will BEAT the fag out of you, you fairy princess."
-T.D. Sullivan, February, 2000

- - - -

Oh, and a Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone. If you're ethnically Irish, don't talk about it too much. I mean, I know you think it's cool and everything, you've seen Boondock Saints thirty times, whatever. I'm largely Irish too, you know, so, great, but can we not make a huge deal of it?

Why can't this just be a holiday about hating snakes? I'd rather get drunk and shit talk snakes for a day then listen to someone get drunk and fake an Irish accent in Jamaica Plain.

- - - -

Forget it, Happy Evacuation Day. Everybody hates imperial soldiers, right?

I Am Exhausted

I haven't posted anything significant in awhile because I've been working on this story, plus reading like nine books at once, so I really haven't had time.

Good news is, at 2:02 AM on 2 March, I finished the initial draft of "Save My Soul, Set Me Free," the short story I've been working on.

I think I've got it mapped out pretty well, the characters are developed okay, but at under 3000 words, it definately needs some editing and additions. I have a few scenes in mind that I'm excited to add, once I edit the first draft a little bit and get the pace right. Right now it kind of speeds up and slows down, some parts feel forced, and the flashbacks, the temporality (that's a word, yeah?) in general feels awkward.

All told, I'm looking at 4500 to 5000 words. No more than 5000 though. If I cross that line, I might as well keep going and make it a book.

- - - -

I finished the story and looked out my window at the Longfellow house. It's just starting to snow. No turning back now.

"Art wants to save from death a living image of our passions and our suffering."
-Albert Camus

- - - -

Did you see Pan's Labyrinth yet? It's way more depressing and violent than you think it is. Great movie, but just be aware of the fact that Spanish Fascists kill a peasant in front of his father by beating his face in with a bottle of wine within the first twenty minutes or so, and it just continues on from there. Really graphic at points.

My mother's going to be upset just reading that. Skip this one, Mama, and I'm sorry.

It's a beautifully executed movie, brilliantly acted, brilliantly shot, but even I get tired of all this suffering. Let's all just watch Little Miss Sunshine again and forget that the Spanish Civil War ever happened.

Best Line In The Movie:

"You aren't the first pig I've gutted."
-Mercedes, (just before tearing the captain's face open from the inside of the cheek outward with a kitchen knife)

Funniest Translation Moment:

"My mother is sick with baby."
-Ofelia (almost-too-appropriately named protagonist)

- - - -

Alright, goodnight.

SWEET DREAMS!

Just So We're All Clear:

Kevin Barnes gets naked on stage in Las Vegas for world peace.

Well, not entirely naked. He was wearing leggings and a flashy cummerbund. And makeup. The point is, you could see his penis, and I just spellchecked the word "cummerbund."

Go hunt the whole story down on Pitchfork.

I don't have time to get into it.

Do Something Useful With YouTube For Once

If you're bored sometime and you've watched one too many thirty second videos of tweeners playing with diet pepsi and mentos, search Google Video for a BBC three part documentary called "The Power Of Nightmares."

I just watched the last installment, and it's really interesting and informative.

I did not know, for instance, that Al Qaeda isn't real. Thank you BBC.

I'd put the links here, but you know, I'm tired, so just search yourself.

Goddamn Astronatuts

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) - - (02/06/07)-- A Space Shuttle astronaut is due in court today to face charges stemming from what police believe is a love triangle involving a fellow astronaut.

(That's right-- space-sex.)

Forty-three-year-old Lisa Nowak is jailed in Orlando, Florida, on charges that include attempted kidnapping and battery after a confrontation with a woman that she considered her romantic rival.

(Think Match-Point, but weightless. The woman, incidentally works at Denny's.)

Nowak is a married mother of three who flew to the international space station last July. According to her official NASA biography, she is a U.S. Naval Academy graduate who has a master's degree in aeronautical engineering.

(And a PhD in "being a psychotic bitch." That was too easy.)

Authorities say the object of her affection is Navy Commander William Oefelein, who piloted space shuttle Discovery in December. Oefelein is not married.

(Equipped with a rotating bed and condom machines next to the vacuum that sucks your waste out of the craft, Discovery has long been regarded as the swinginest bachelor shuttle NASA ever built.)

Police say Nowak drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, where she confronted the other woman in an airport parking lot. Police say Nowak was dressed in disguise and armed with a B-B gun and pepper spray.

(Nowak was apprehended on the side of the road, as she was forced to abandon her car because several side tiles had fallen off during her initial take-off)

(... Okay, and seriously, a BB gun and pepper spray? You're an astronaut. You have access to weapons, here.)

- - - -

Astro crime is really becoming a problem.

Too Soon?

I'm going to strap a bunch of Lite-Brite advertisements to my chest and try to rob a bank.

Maybe build an enormous Lite-Brite that looks like a bomb.

BAGHDAD (AP): Insurgents are turning to the home-made, rocket propelled Lite-Brite, which is inaccurate, but powerful.

Roadside Lite-Brites killed three Americans and several civilians yesterday...

Have Some Fun With This

I normally feel really depressed after taking these online quizzes, but this one is somehow life-affirming. It's only twelve questions, and they're all very strange. (Note the question about "equipment." A bit unnerving.)

And I hear The Secret Language Of Sleep makes a pretty hip Valentine's Day Gift. You can find it on McSweeney's or Amazon.

Take The Quiz, son.