Just So We're All Clear:

Kevin Barnes gets naked on stage in Las Vegas for world peace.

Well, not entirely naked. He was wearing leggings and a flashy cummerbund. And makeup. The point is, you could see his penis, and I just spellchecked the word "cummerbund."

Go hunt the whole story down on Pitchfork.

I don't have time to get into it.

Do Something Useful With YouTube For Once

If you're bored sometime and you've watched one too many thirty second videos of tweeners playing with diet pepsi and mentos, search Google Video for a BBC three part documentary called "The Power Of Nightmares."

I just watched the last installment, and it's really interesting and informative.

I did not know, for instance, that Al Qaeda isn't real. Thank you BBC.

I'd put the links here, but you know, I'm tired, so just search yourself.

Goddamn Astronatuts

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) - - (02/06/07)-- A Space Shuttle astronaut is due in court today to face charges stemming from what police believe is a love triangle involving a fellow astronaut.

(That's right-- space-sex.)

Forty-three-year-old Lisa Nowak is jailed in Orlando, Florida, on charges that include attempted kidnapping and battery after a confrontation with a woman that she considered her romantic rival.

(Think Match-Point, but weightless. The woman, incidentally works at Denny's.)

Nowak is a married mother of three who flew to the international space station last July. According to her official NASA biography, she is a U.S. Naval Academy graduate who has a master's degree in aeronautical engineering.

(And a PhD in "being a psychotic bitch." That was too easy.)

Authorities say the object of her affection is Navy Commander William Oefelein, who piloted space shuttle Discovery in December. Oefelein is not married.

(Equipped with a rotating bed and condom machines next to the vacuum that sucks your waste out of the craft, Discovery has long been regarded as the swinginest bachelor shuttle NASA ever built.)

Police say Nowak drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, where she confronted the other woman in an airport parking lot. Police say Nowak was dressed in disguise and armed with a B-B gun and pepper spray.

(Nowak was apprehended on the side of the road, as she was forced to abandon her car because several side tiles had fallen off during her initial take-off)

(... Okay, and seriously, a BB gun and pepper spray? You're an astronaut. You have access to weapons, here.)

- - - -

Astro crime is really becoming a problem.

Too Soon?

I'm going to strap a bunch of Lite-Brite advertisements to my chest and try to rob a bank.

Maybe build an enormous Lite-Brite that looks like a bomb.

BAGHDAD (AP): Insurgents are turning to the home-made, rocket propelled Lite-Brite, which is inaccurate, but powerful.

Roadside Lite-Brites killed three Americans and several civilians yesterday...

Have Some Fun With This

I normally feel really depressed after taking these online quizzes, but this one is somehow life-affirming. It's only twelve questions, and they're all very strange. (Note the question about "equipment." A bit unnerving.)

And I hear The Secret Language Of Sleep makes a pretty hip Valentine's Day Gift. You can find it on McSweeney's or Amazon.

Take The Quiz, son.

"God Started The Civil Rights Movement."

I had this dream late last night that honestly made me laugh when I woke up.

The dream had kind of a nice feel to it in the beginning- I was with a group of my friends and we were all going to the beach. We split up into two cars, and started along our way. Everyone was happy, Nathan bought a bunch of Taquitos and they were delicious, all's right with the world.

After a bit of driving however, Rachael tells me that, "It's Sunday, and we have to go to church."

Now immediately, I'm ready to protest because that doesn't make any sense to me, but everyone else in the car kind of agrees silently, like what she said was totally normal, so we all parade into this small church on the side of the road in our bathing attire.

All the ushers look like Lil John, and they're really friendly.

I sit down at a pew, and everyone else I'm with sits behind me. There are these blankets and pillows on the pews, like they're beds, and everyone kind of wraps themselves up while sitting there, despite the fact that it's hot as hell.

I'm getting anxious, I want to go to the damn beach.

Then, a woman with some kind of physical deformity afflicting one of her arms stands up and says "Now, you know that this month is black history month, and I was wondering if I could as you all some questions about civil rights."

Now, first of all, February is black history month, and it's summer wherever the hell I am.

She asks, "Does anyone know who started the civil rights movement?"

A little girl in the front row says, "Nelson Mandella? Marcus Garvey? Malcom X?" (This is verbatim, seriously.)

Then, I look up at the priest, who's smiling smugly and shaking his head, pointing to the light coming through the window directly above and behind him and he says "God started the civil rights movement."

It's at this point that I said "OK," and got up to leave. Pillows went everywhere, hitting the guy sitting next to me, and I weaved my way between a small band playing some hymn that everyone else was just reciting the lyrics to flatly, then past a table of elderly people in hospital johhnie's with IV things, just going "Wmmaaammamwwwwaaammmaa."

When I get outside everyone's laughing again, and one of the ushers is outside smoking weed and listening to a Lil John song play on his cellphone. Nathan and I eat the last two taquitos, which have melted and subsequently congealed a little strangely in the car.

Before the dream ends I'm terrified that I've forgotten to pick my brother up somewhere.