Goddamn Astronatuts

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) - - (02/06/07)-- A Space Shuttle astronaut is due in court today to face charges stemming from what police believe is a love triangle involving a fellow astronaut.

(That's right-- space-sex.)

Forty-three-year-old Lisa Nowak is jailed in Orlando, Florida, on charges that include attempted kidnapping and battery after a confrontation with a woman that she considered her romantic rival.

(Think Match-Point, but weightless. The woman, incidentally works at Denny's.)

Nowak is a married mother of three who flew to the international space station last July. According to her official NASA biography, she is a U.S. Naval Academy graduate who has a master's degree in aeronautical engineering.

(And a PhD in "being a psychotic bitch." That was too easy.)

Authorities say the object of her affection is Navy Commander William Oefelein, who piloted space shuttle Discovery in December. Oefelein is not married.

(Equipped with a rotating bed and condom machines next to the vacuum that sucks your waste out of the craft, Discovery has long been regarded as the swinginest bachelor shuttle NASA ever built.)

Police say Nowak drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando, where she confronted the other woman in an airport parking lot. Police say Nowak was dressed in disguise and armed with a B-B gun and pepper spray.

(Nowak was apprehended on the side of the road, as she was forced to abandon her car because several side tiles had fallen off during her initial take-off)

(... Okay, and seriously, a BB gun and pepper spray? You're an astronaut. You have access to weapons, here.)

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Astro crime is really becoming a problem.