1) Soap- I ran out a few days ago.
2) Toothpaste- I ran out yesterday.
3) A hairbrush- I haven't owned one in years.
I'm sure that there were more things she would have liked to look "decent," but there were these three key things that needed to be replaced. Even I could admit that.
I'm telling you about this because if you're a man and you live alone and you need to buy body cleaning products, it's imperative that you do it alone. There is no such thing as gender neutral body wash. Bar soap, perhaps, but anyone who's ever lived in a dorm can agree that bar soap is just a terrible idea.
Here's what I have on my hands now:
NEW
Dove
Cream Oil
Body Wash
Ultra Rich
natural oil in
1/4 moisturizing cream
rosewood &
cocoa butter scent
And I'm only on the front of the bottle...
Here's a body wash that moisturizes your skin better than any regular body wash. Dove has embedded skin-loving natural oil in a rich cream- the result is the dreamy-creamy consistency of a cream with the silky-smooth skin feel from an oil.
Intensely moisturizing, but sensationally lathering. Indulging to senses, but nourishing to skin. Rich in oil, but not oily.
What a beautiful contradiction.
I mean, for the love of God. I wish I could find a picture of the bottle because it actually resembles a vagina.
My favorite part of this product: the dreamy-creamy consistency of a cream.
- - - -
Now, Rachael was humoring me a little bit with the first purchase, suggesting that it "smelled" gender neutral (it doesn't) and I just kind of ignored the pink, vaginal bottle.
But let's move on to item number 2:
Aveeno
Baby
PEDIATRICIAN
RECOMMENDED
LAVENDAR & VANILLA
Calming Comfort
Lotion
with Natural Collodial Oatmeal
Dimethicone Skin Protectant
Helps Heal & Protect
Delicate Skin
Moisturizes for 24 Hours
Helps Calm Babies
before Bedtime
I'm not even going to get into what's on the back of this guy.
(NB: I hear that if you shoot Dimethicone , it actually is really relaxing.)
Rachael has, then, effectively moved from women's products to baby products.
I can only find solace in the sleek, masculine form of my INTENSE CREST WHITENING TOOTHPASTE.
We forgot to get the toothbrush, thank God. Just the body wash alone made me want to pull a Buffalo Bill (Silence Of The Lambs) and tuck it in in the shower, and a sparkly hair brush might have sealed the deal.
Did I mention that I carry all of this (along with a bottle of face wash and one of those poofy things) in a purple shower-tote, wrapped in my once white towel that is now a soothing pastel pink because I washed it with a red blanket?
Why does this come to mind:
"I will BEAT the fag out of you, you fairy princess."
-T.D. Sullivan, February, 2000
- - - -
Oh, and a Happy St. Patrick's Day to everyone. If you're ethnically Irish, don't talk about it too much. I mean, I know you think it's cool and everything, you've seen Boondock Saints thirty times, whatever. I'm largely Irish too, you know, so, great, but can we not make a huge deal of it?
Why can't this just be a holiday about hating snakes? I'd rather get drunk and shit talk snakes for a day then listen to someone get drunk and fake an Irish accent in Jamaica Plain.
- - - -
Forget it, Happy Evacuation Day. Everybody hates imperial soldiers, right?
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