Is Bosnia A Balkan Country?

I just got a very unnecessary coffee with Rachael in Harvard Square, and I actually didn't tell her this story, which is bizarre, because it's one of those things you tend to tell people. She asked "How was skating?" and I said, "Ok."

Now, I didn't mention any of this:

I'm sitting on the bench by the small rink of sorts at Harvard Law (NB: The rink is frozen over the volleyball court, and I noticed that they actually have the Harvard emblem painted into the ice in the middle. The only time I think I ever skated somewhere with a painted emblem was at the Boston Garden, as a small child, in an extremely hurried affair after my father played a game there. I think I remember him shouting at the zamboni driver, anyway, back to the actual story:) lacing my skates up, and these two women sit down with a pretty cute little kid, and they're all speaking in what sounds like it might be Russian. I wasn't sure, some Balkan tongue. So they start putting skates on this kid, who looks to be about four or five, and they're laughing, the kids skates are women's skates and they're way too big, and he's probably going to hurt himself, but you know, you've been in this situation before- very heavily and proud ethnic people doing something they clearly do not understand. I know you've all seen the Chinese lady with a million shopping bags (all full of scallions, for some reason) trying to operate the Charlie Ticket machine. There are just certain activities that render certain people generally inept. Generally, I'm saying. And the Charlie Ticket is tough even for me, but I mean, come on, lady, I know you can do better than this.

I pissed off a Spanish guy the other day because I paid for my entire train fare in dimes and nickels.

I'm getting way off topic, but it was important that I establish the scene. Racially.

And I don't want to sound like a racist. Put me in any other country in the world and I guarantee I'd have trouble doing at least a few things that the natives do every day.

So to set the tone, these people were clearly missing some critical element when it came to skating. Everyone else at the little pond looked at these guys as if to say, "I don't know how to say this, but you're going to step onto that ice, and I'm going to step onto that ice, and you're not going to be having as much fun as I am."

There was chaos. The kid's already walking out of these skates, he's uncomfortable, the sister (I'm guessing) is getting a little loud, and the mother has this look on her face like "Why did I think this was going to be a good idea?"

Keep in mind it's like less than twenty degrees out. If there is one universal language, it is the language of mothers. Especially when they realize they have made a mistake like this.

If there is one language that is not universal (and there is actually a few of them, like German, French, Spanish, English, and the like) it is whatever these people were speaking. But apparently no one told them that, because the minute they stepped onto the ice, they started speaking to me. Directly to me. In another language.

Now, of course, I didn't realize this for at least five minutes because they weren't speaking English, so I assumed that they were speaking amongst themselves (the kid's falling all over the place, and I'm waiting for him to break an ankle, by the way. The others take no notice of this), but no, I slowly realize, the "EY! EY! EY!" was directed, was always directed, right at this guy.

I figure this out because the daughter (again, assumed) grabs me from behind. At first I think she's falling so (being a fairly adept skater) I spin around to catch her. At first I'm disappointed, because it probably would have been a pretty impressive catch, but instead I'm just stuck staring blankly into the beaming face of a twelve year old, quickly coming to the realization that the catch-move probably left a somewhat contorted grimace of athletic prowess on my own face that is now laughable, given the fact that the situation didn't call for any real athletic movement whatsoever, and then she starts speaking to me.

And, over the course of maybe twenty minutes, all three of these people start talking to me, in whatever language they speak, with absolutely no regard for the fact that I do not speak the language.

By the end, I was just trying to have fun with it, I mean, what else can you do? And remember, we're going around in circles the whole time. It could have been like any one of these:

- - - -

GIRL: Please, you must help us. My brother and I have been in the care of this woman since the war...

ME: What? I'm sorry, I don't speak... uh...

GIRL: She locked Bishnov, that is my brother's name, in the closet once with the chemicals she makes me clean the floors with...

ME: Listen, listen, I can't-

GIRL: Please call the police-

MOTHER: The police will not help you, whore, nor can this very talented and extremely handsome man who skates in front of us!

GIRL: This is not Bosnia! You cannot commandeer us this way under the American Laws! Your sex favors for the secret police will not have the same effect that they once had! I will run away with Bish, my tiny flower!

BISH: The chemicals from the hell closet have rendered me blind and incapable of skating or judging the size of my shoes!

GIRL: The one who skates very well will be my husband here!

ME: Listen, I really don't want to get involved here, uh, I think you might have the wrong guy...

MOTHER: Let's sing a song!

ALL THREE: Let's go to the college, let's go to the rink, the rink that is frozen behind the college. There we will make someone extremely uncomfortable by speaking to him in a language he does not understand, all hail premier Jagushbig, all hail premier Jagushbig

- - - -

GIRL: I like your face! It reminds me of the face of our leader. He has microphones everywhere, and he kills those who speak ill of him.

ME: What? I'm sorry, I don't speak... uh...

GIRL: I am afraid he has placed a microphone in the body of my brother, so I am praising him.

ME: Listen, listen, I can't-

GIRL: With a face like the Premier, I would like to kill your wife and take you for my own.

MOTHER: You are crazy! The Premier has no spies here, on the frozen rink that I do not understand!

GIRL: This is the logic that killed our father and lost Bish's good fitting skates!

BISH: I will wear my punishment skates even in America.

GIRL: You see! So loyal, the man who skates very well and is attractive can see that Bish is one of Premier's spies!

- - - -

I could go on and on with this, but I think I'll just stop right here, before this just turns into an episode of Borat.